Rule# 81: Forgive wholly

So yesterday, was my 28th birthday, and with the beginning of a new year–of sorts– comes new goals, new hopes, new plans, new worries—and overall newness!

However, if life has taught me one thing it is that humans have capacity levels (future rule forthcoming). When those capacity levels are reached, it is incredibly difficult to function as the best version of yourself.

I myself have found that when I am at capacity–

  • My ability to process and move on from grievances, no matter how slight, is tested and likely to fail;
  • My desire to communicate and work through issues is exhausted (see rule #2) and I match rather cast off the problem–either through avoidance or banishing it from my life–then to implore my diplomatic prowess; and
  • I have a general overall sense of continuous lethargy and defeat.

In recognizing the affects on my mind, body, and soul of reaching capacity, I am able to stymie the challenges that cause me to reach capacity. I have also learned that a challenge that plagues most of us–especially Adulting millennials– is the inability to forgive.

The inability to forgive others. To forgive past actions or missteps. Most importantly, the inability to forgive yourself.

While adulting, I have made countless missteps, mistakes, and engaged in misdeeds. Some at the time, I believed to be the best course of action. Others at the time I seen a cataclysmic end but failed to stop myself, out of sheer fear of the unknown alternative. Regardless of the reason, in the end I am left with the pain and burden of the impact I made, and the potential hurt I have caused.

The weight and burden of failure, hurt, and pain grows with each mistake, misstep, or misdeed–until finally, you are rutted in the quick sands of despair. Sinking quickly and going nowhere fast! Stuck in place only to stew over every past action you caused or that has been done to you.

Life at this point is best summed up with the adage– a watched pot is slow to boil. Stuck in the dusty recess of your minds graveyard of hurt and despair, waiting for a magically moment to happen where all of a sudden life is better and all is grand….will not come without taking a noble and powerful step on your behalf.

This step is what I have learned to do, although it has taken me 28 years to be made known, fully comprehend, internalize, and act upon it. The step is rule #81: forgive wholly!

Les Brown once said ” It doesn’t matter about the things that you’ve done, that you feel guilty about, if you wouldn’t do it today you’re convicting an innocent person.

If you have thought about it, prayed about, dreamt about it, and figured out why you did, what you did, when you did it and have determined that it was necessary thenForgive yourself !

If you have thought about, prayed about, dreamt about it, and determined that what you did, when you did it, was uncharacteristically you and you would not do it again, then forgive yourself!

If you have asked about it, thought about it, read about it, and figured out why whomever you believed did you wrong, did what they did to you, and some how you can forgive them for it then do not feel bad for forgiving yourself!

Even if you cannot for the life of you figure out why someone you thought was close to you, did what they did to you, still forgive yourself!

Most importantly, forgive yourself wholly! Everyone has a capacity level at which point you are doing yourself a disservice, and the world a displeasure!

As we are adulting we will make mistakes! Take the time to learn from your mistakes, missteps, and misdeeds and for your health, wealth, and piece of mind– forgive yourself wholly! 

Here is to being 28 and forgiving myself wholly– to all my past mistakes, past hurts, and those who hurt me– I ask for your forgiveness and I release you!

Follow me on twitter @AoAMillennial

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Rule #2: Most of working (or dealing) with others comes down to communication. (Alternatively: all relationships come down to communication(even the crap-tastic ones).

Have you ever been sick ? Or better yet, lets’ start with the question– have you ever had a sick friend, partner, sibling, or anyone that you care about ?

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When they are sick, you pull out all the stops that you can think of:

  • giving them quietness to rest,
  • above average check-in’s to see if they are still breathing (no really, but kind of really),
  • even if you are really T-Oed with this person, putting on the sweet “how are you doing? do you need anything voice”,

and the list goes on. No request is too big and you are willing to pull out all the stops you can think up.

Days later…your loved one has recovered and you are back to being your sassy and witty yourself (or maybe that is just me!).

Days go speed by, the weeks roll on, and a few months later–it is your turn to be sick. However, now when are sick and infirmed the same care, concern, and prioritization you gave in the not so distant past is amiss!

That is not to say you are not being cared for or checked-in on. But, something… you cannot quite put your finger on is missing.

Now, you are sick but you have to provide what seems to be play-by-play instructions…

  • Can you get Alevee from the pharmacy?
  • While you are out can you grab some green tea?
  • Please make sure payment is remitted for the rent? (truth be told, I do not go around saying “be sure to remit payment for (insert x thing needing payment) this just seemed like an opportune time to use the word remit).

While trying to hold onto the precipice of life, you are now also stuck giving 50,000,000 instructions for what you believe are self-explanatory and straightforward task.

PAUSE. PUMP YOUR BREAKS! ( if you are reading this while driving, do not pump your breaks unless there has been a loss of pressure.)

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The fact is.. we often don’t communicate as well as we think!

Often times we imply what we thought we expressly stated.

We express what we assume is unknown.

And we do what we knows needs to be done.

But when it comes time to turn over the task to someone else, we have not communicated no where near as much as we are THINKING.

Which brings us to rule #2: most of working (or dealing) with others comes down to communication. Stated different all relationships come down to communication (even the crap-tastic ones) . So here are some quick answers to questions you may often think to yourself (questions not included):

  • No– your loved one does not know that it hurts to think and you need them to step up and take care of task with little input from you.
  • No– your supervisor does not know that they cannot talk to you any old way.
    • Yes, your supervisor may be out of their mother loving mind
  • Yes– you may very well be pissed off about something and not know what it is… But it is your duty to figure it out, report it out to those that need to be communicated with, and work it out

Stay tuned for a follow up to rule #2… Notice, I said “most of working (or dealing) with others…” As a sneak preview — rule #3 deals with what to do when it is not you but it’s them!

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Follow me on twitter @AoAMillennial or on instragram @theaoamillennial.